My Blog

The chaos of early evening has vanished as abruptly as it began. Above the evergreens in the field across the road, the sunlight is fading.

I am alone. Here I am sitting in front of the window, by myself, watching the sun go down and the cars go by. My thoughts are wandering, as they often do, into one of those daydream realms. Today, unlike my usual daydreams, this one is a trifle upsetting. It is not some fantasy adventures but a recap of everything going on in my life.

I am a senior, which is strange, considering that I’ve always looked up to seniors in the past. To me, seniors were adults hardly distinguishable from teachers. They were grown-ups and had everything in order. Either I was wrong about them, or I am an exceptionally lousy senior.

Look into this college, Michael. Apply for this scholarship, Michael. Do not forget to get your class syllabus signed. Read this book within two weeks.   Are you going to the football game on Friday? You have a B in math and I would like to know why. I thought you were coming straight home after school? Why don’t you call off work for the football game, Michael? I really expected more from you.

My path is laid before me, but it is hard to walk the line. It is like being tackled from every side. No, it is more like being snatched by a metal hook from every side and yanked in all directions. Everything is crazy and I have no idea how to manage it. I do not have time to manage it. I only have time to get the essential done and put the less essential off for tomorrow, when I’ll have even less time.

The wind comes through the open window. My thoughts are scattered like the leaves that will soon litter the ground. The wind streams over my face like a gentle caress, and for a brief moment, there is nothing but the open window and me.

A sudden realization hits me that there is nothing between the window and me. To a casual observer, this would be a detail of little consequence, but to me it means the world. It means that if I want, I can jump out that window and leave. There is nothing stopping me from running away from everything. They say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but in this moment, the other side of that window seems a paradise. I can jump out, run away, never look back, and start a completely new life somewhere else. There is nothing to stop me. My problems will be in the rear-view mirror, and some day I will laugh for ever having worried about them.

I start for the window. The air has never tasted so crisp. No one will know where I went. No one will be able to find me. No one will ever bother me about a class syllabus again.

But I stop.Those seniors before me, those adults I looked up to, they had problems, too. They had all kinds of problems, and probably worse ones than mine. What would the world be like if we went through every window available to us? What kind of adult would I be if I ran away because I was overwhelmed? What kind of solution would that be? It would be the coward’s way out. It would be the child’s way out.

I shut the window. I am still overwhelmed. I still have as many problems as I did a minute ago. I am standing tall, and I am here taking my dose of life.  I will deal with what needs to be dealt with because that is how it needs to be done. It is the adult thing to do.